Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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