I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize