Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
