drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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