is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
