you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
