Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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