You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize