I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You are a genius and a whore.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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