Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize