I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize