i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize