i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
