why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
