My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
