I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize