i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
