make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
