I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
