Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
