He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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