I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
