Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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