I smell stomach acid.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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