So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
