I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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