I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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