Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
