This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
