What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
