God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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