Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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