i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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