genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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