Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
