you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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