i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
