The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize