I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I think I won the penis lottery.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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