Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
