This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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