I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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