There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize