It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
