Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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