i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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