McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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