you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
