She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
