Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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