So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
