i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
