True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
