My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
