Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
